Struggling with gender disappointment? Here are 6 ways to cope
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
It can be hard to admit, but the truth is that many people are disappointed when they find out the sex of their child. Learn 6 mindful ways to cope with these feelings.
Society would have you believe that you need to feel only pure joy when you find out if you're having a boy or girl, but sometimes you just… don’t. Sometimes you just feel a little pang—or a giant wave—of sadness. This can make you feel like you’re a bad person, or that you’re ungrateful for your child. But, you’re not. You’re just human.
A lot of people build stories in their heads about the kind of parent they’ll be, the experiences they’ll have, and the kid they’ll raise. And when reality doesn’t match that vision exactly, it can be jarring.
Try to remind yourself that it’s natural to grieve a little. Grief, no matter how small, deserves to be acknowledged and not buried under guilt. So let’s acknowledge it, and shed some light on this very real feeling. No shame, no judgment. Just validation, understanding, and real ways to help you move forward.
What is gender disappointment?
All your life you could’ve imagined yourself braiding your daughter’s hair, raising a boy just like your brothers, or walking hand-in-hand with a son and daughter. And while there’s no such thing as a “boy experience” or a “girl experience,” sometimes it’s tough when reality doesn’t align with your expectations.
This is what gender disappointment is. It’s that unexpected wave of sadness, frustration, or even grief you feel when you find out that your baby isn’t the sex you were hoping for. It can be confusing, upsetting, and leave you feeling guilty that you’re feeling anything other than happiness.
But emotions don’t follow logic. You can feel grateful for your baby and still feel sad. You can love your child exactly as they are and still grieve the version of parenthood you imagined. These two things can exist at the same time, and one does not cancel out the other.
Gender disappointment is about reconciling the vision you had in your head with the reality in front of you. It’s totally okay to feel disappointed. What’s less helpful is suppressing your feelings because you think it’s not “right.” That’s where guilt, shame, and resentment can come in.
4 reasons for gender disappointment
Usually gender disappointment happens because of certain expectations or personal experiences we’ve had, or because we were influenced in some way by the culture around us. Some people may anticipate it, but for others, it comes as a total surprise.
Four common reasons why people experience gender disappointment include:
1. Family or cultural pressure is weighing on you: Some families and cultures can put a lot of pressure on having a child of a certain sex, like having a boy so that you carry on the family name. These expectations can then sneak into your subconscious, even if you don’t personally believe in them.
2. You had a vision, and now it’s changing: Maybe you pictured yourself as a “boy mom” running around at soccer games. Or maybe you pictured yourself having a little girl and doing the same traditions your mom did with you. These dreams can become deeply ingrained hopes and when your reality doesn’t match your vision, it can feel like a loss. And like any loss, it’s okay to grieve it.
3. You wanted to experience both genders: If you already have a child or multiple children of one gender, you might’ve been hoping to mix things up this time around so that you can experience parenting from both perspectives. And when that doesn’t happen, it can feel like a real missed opportunity.
4. You have personal experiences tied to gender: Sometimes, your disappointment can be tied to past experiences, relationships, or even trauma. If you had a tough relationship with your mom, you could be scared of repeating history with a daughter of your own. Feelings like this can be complex and deeply personal, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling that.
Is gender disappointment normal?
Research suggests that a lot of parents experience gender disappointment, but because it’s usually wrapped up in shame and guilt, it’s a difficult thing to discuss.
For some, it might just be a momentary thing that disappears quickly, while for others it could take a lot longer to process. And sometimes in rare cases, it could even contribute to prenatal or postpartum depression, which can make talking about it even more important to acknowledge and address.
If you’re currently experiencing this, try to remind yourself that you’re allowed to feel these feelings instead of just stuffing them down. Your emotions don’t make you a bad person or dictate the type of parent you’ll be. They just mean you’re working through a shift in expectations, and that’s normal. The pit in your stomach won’t last forever. More importantly, you don’t need to suffer in silence, especially because usually that only makes you feel worse.
How to cope with gender disappointment: 6 mindful ways to process your feelings
Feeling frustrated or disappointed about your baby’s sex can be overwhelming, and even if you know it’s normal, that doesn’t necessarily make it any easier to sit with. So during this time, try to give yourself grace. You deserve that.
If you’re finding that easier said than done, here are six mindful and compassionate strategies to help you move forward towards acceptance.
1. Acknowledge your feelings
Give yourself permission to feel whatever’s coming up without judgment. Feeling disappointed doesn’t mean that you’re going to love your baby any less. It just means you’re adjusting to this new reality, and that might take a little time. So if you need to cry, cry. There’s no shame in that.
And if you need a little help getting your emotions out, consider journaling about them. Here are seven tips to help get you started.
2. Talk it out
Feeling upset about your baby’s gender can make you feel isolated, but you don’t have to carry it alone. Talk to someone you trust like your partner, a close friend, or a therapist. Sometimes, just saying the words out loud can make you feel lighter.
If you’re unsure who to talk to, consider reaching out to an online support forum. There are people out there who feel the same as you who can help to make you feel less alone, even if it's not in your immediate circle. (And if you struggle with asking for help, here are seven tips to help you gain confidence.)
3. Get curious
Sometimes, your feelings aren’t even about gender. They’re about something deeper that you just haven’t acknowledged yet. To help you understand what you’re feeling, ask yourself questions like:
What am I grieving?
What expectations are tied to my disappointment?
Is it the loss of a vision I had for my family?
Is it pressure from my family or is it tied to how I grew up?
Answering questions like these can help you process your emotions a little more effectively.
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4. Reframe your thoughts
Our brains can tend to get stuck on what we won’t get to experience. If this is currently how you’re feeling, try shifting your focus to what you will experience. Let’s say you’re having your second daughter, when you really hoped for a son. The sister bond is so special — it’ll be so wonderful to witness to that.
Also, remember that your child is a whole person, not just a gender. The connection you’ll build with them will be shaped by their personality and interests, and not just whether they’re a boy or a girl.
5. Give yourself time
Feelings tend to shift naturally when they’re given the space to breathe. This is not something that you have to “fix” overnight.
If you’re currently in your feelings, that’s okay. Allow yourself to feel that. And as you move through this, try to remind yourself that most parents who experience gender disappointment do find that it usually disappears the moment they meet their baby, if not before.
6. Look for support if you need it
Gender disappointment can sometimes be a risk factor for prenatal or postpartum depression. If your disappointment starts to turn into persistent sadness, anxiety, or trouble bonding with your baby, reach out to a professional for help. (And if you’re currently feeling anxious, here are 20 affirmations that can help bring you some relief.)
Talking to a therapist can help you work through these complex emotions in a safe and judgment-free space. Your feelings always matter, and so does your mental health.
💙 If you’re not feeling your best, consider listening to Radical Self Care with Lamar Rod Owens to help give yourself a little love.
Gender disappointment FAQs
How common is gender disappointment?
Gender disappointment is more common than most people think. Of course, because it can be such a taboo topic, many people keep this to themselves.
If you’re feeling this way, go easy on yourself. You’re not a bad person, you’re not ungrateful, and most importantly, you’re going to love your baby.
Remember that when you’re expecting, your baby’s sex is the only data point you have. Once they’re here, you’re going to see them as a whole person, and whether they’re a boy or girl won’t matter.
Can gender disappointment affect bonding with the baby?
Gender disappointment can potentially affect how you bond with your child if you aren’t able to process your feelings. But in general, most parents find that once their baby’s born, what’s most important is the actual human being right in front of them.
If your disappointment’s lingering and turning into persistent sadness or anxiety, consider reaching out to a therapist or to a trusted loved one for support. Sometimes just saying your feelings out loud can really help you to feel lighter and give you some relief.
Is it possible to prevent gender disappointment?
Our emotions aren’t something we can entirely control so it’s not fully possible to prevent gender disappointment. Still, there are ways you can manage your expectations before finding out your baby’s gender.
If you’re really hoping for a boy or girl, you might consider waiting until the birth to find out the sex of your kid. This can help you shift the focus to meeting your baby instead of their sex.
You can also try to mentally prepare yourself for both outcomes. And while you’re doing this, try to remind yourself that personality and connection are what matter most.
Does gender disappointment ever go away?
For most parents, once their baby arrives and daily life takes over, gender tends to become a very small part of the picture. And any disappointment that they had beforehand, usually gets replaced by love and the realization that their child is exactly the one they were meant to have.
Will you occasionally wonder what it would have been like to have the opposite gender? Maybe. But most of the time, those thoughts are momentary and fleeting — and really, they won’t matter as much.
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