Do couples who sleep apart also grow apart? What you need to know
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Cuddling is great, but some nights you just need uninterrupted sleep. Explore 7 reasons couples may sleep apart, and how to do it without growing apart.
Some say sharing a bed with your partner is the ultimate sign of closeness. After all, late-night whispers, sleepy cuddles, and the comfort of knowing they’re right there beside you can make each night feel like a fun sleepover. But what if it’s more tossing and turning than cozy cuddles? For some folks, sleeping apart instead of in the same bed is actually something that keeps a relationship strong.
For a long time, the idea of separate bedrooms carried a bit of a stigma in society. If a couple isn’t sleeping together, something must be wrong, right? Maybe they’re fighting, falling out of love, or slowly drifting apart. But that’s not always true. In fact, more and more couples are choosing separate sleeping arrangements, not because they don’t love each other, but because they do.
There are plenty of reasons partners might sleep apart. And, for some, this decision actually improves their relationship rather than hurting it. But does it come with risks? Could sleeping separately lead to emotional distance? And how do couples stay close when they’re no longer sharing a bed?
If you’ve ever wondered whether sleeping apart means growing apart, you’re in the right place.
Does sleeping apart from your partner mean something’s wrong?
While it might be common for people to raise an eyebrow if partners sleep apart, it’s not always a sign of trouble. For many couples, sleeping apart is a practical choice that has nothing to do with love or attraction. It’s all about getting a solid night’s rest. Because as we know, sleep is important!
Snoring, restless legs, different work schedules, or even a preference for a different mattress firmness can make bed-sharing more of a struggle than a bonding experience. And when sleep suffers, so does everything else, like mood, patience, even the ability to be a good partner.
That said, context matters. If one partner is choosing to sleep separately because they’re feeling distant, or disconnected, it could be a sign of an issue in the relationship. If choosing to sleeping separately feels like avoidance rather than a conscious, mutual choice, it may be worth checking in with each other. This way you can make sure the choice isn’t signaling emotional distance.
The key is communication. If both partners are on board and still maintaining closeness in other ways, sleeping apart can actually strengthen a relationship.
7 reasons couples sleep apart
There’s no single reason why couples choose to sleep separately. Some couples just prefer to. Every relationship is different, and so are our sleep needs. But, if you’ve ever found yourself lying awake, staring at the ceiling while your partner snores like a freight train, you know that sometimes, love and sleep don’t always mix.
Here are some reasons partners may opt for separate sleeping arrangements:
1. Different sleep schedules: Opposites attract, and sometimes night owls fall in love with morning people.
2. Snoring: Let’s face it, some of us snore. If the other person is a light sleeper, this could result in one cranky partner the next day, and the other feeling guilty. Love is strong, but sleep deprivation is stronger.
3. Temperature preferences: When one person wants to be wrapped in a warm cocoon of blankets with a space heater on while the other needs the room to feel like a breezy fall day, it makes it hard for both people to sleep comfortably.
4. Restless sleep: You know those people who sleep like Dracula in his coffin? Imagine them being partnered with someone who tosses and turns and kicks the blankets off the bed each night. Not an easy match.
5. Parenting: Young babies and children may need nighttime comfort, meaning sleep can be a rare luxury for parents. It’s not uncommon for parents to divide and conquer, allowing one to sleep while the other takes care of the kiddos. Which can be easier if they sleep in separate spaces.
6. Personal space: Some people just sleep better alone. Wanting personal space doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with the relationship.
7. Comfort: At the end of the day, comfort matters. If you’re both happier, healthier, and better rested when you sleep apart, that’s reason enough to consider it. Your relationship will fare better when you’re getting enough sleep.
Is sleeping apart right for you?
If you and your partner are struggling with sleep but otherwise feel connected, separate sleeping might be worth considering. The key to keeping your relationship in good standing is having open communication.
Ask yourselves:
Are we both on the same page about this?
Will this improve our overall wellbeing?
Do we have other ways to maintain closeness?
If the answers lean toward “yes,” then it might be the right move.
Pros of sleeping apart
Sleeping separately might not fit the traditional idea of romance, but for many couples, it’s a game-changer. Quality sleep is essential for health, mood, and relationship happiness, and if separate beds help, it’s worth considering. Some of the pros include:
Better sleep quality: Fewer disruptions from tossing, turning, or snoring mean deeper, more restful sleep.
Improved health and energy: Well-rested partners are happier, healthier, and more patient with each other.
More appreciation: Missing each other overnight can make morning cuddles and date nights feel even sweeter.
Intentional intimacy: Sleeping apart can lead to a more mindful, meaningful physical connection rather than a routine.
Personalized sleep setup: Separate spaces let both partners rest comfortably without compromise.
Cons of sleeping apart
While separate sleeping has its benefits, it also comes with challenges. What starts as a practical choice could lead to emotional distance if not handled intentionally. Here are some potential downsides:
Less spontaneous intimacy: Sharing a bed naturally creates moments of closeness. Without them, couples need to be more intentional about connection.
Emotional distance: Sleeping apart can sometimes make partners feel more like roommates than romantic partners, especially if other tensions exist.
Missing nighttime bonding: Those quiet, pre-sleep conversations can happen less often, so it’s important to find other ways to connect.
Social stigma: Some still view separate sleeping as a red flag, but if it works for you, what others think doesn’t matter.
Feelings of rejection: If one partner isn’t on board, it could stir up loneliness or insecurity.
How to sleep apart without growing apart: 6 ways to stay connected
If you choose to sleep apart, you can still find ways remain close so you don’t wake up one day feeling like you have a roommate instead of a partner. With a little effort, separate sleeping arrangements can actually improve your connection.
You can have all the romance in the world, but sleep deprivation will win out eventually and well-rested partners tend to be happier, more patient, and more engaged with each other. Here are some simple ways to stay close, even if you’re not sharing a bed every night.
1. Communicate openly and often
Before you make any big changes, sit down and talk about why you’re considering sleeping separately and what each of you needs. Make sure you check in regularly to ensure that this arrangement is still working for both of you. If one person starts to feel distant, talk about it before it turns into a bigger issue.
Try this: Set aside weekly check-ins to ask, “How are you feeling about this? Is there anything we should adjust?” Keeping an open dialogue will help both of you feel heard and supported.
💙 Practice the art of Kind Communication in your relationships with help from Tamara Levitt.
2. Make time for quality connection outside the bedroom
If bedtime is no longer your default time for bonding, find new ways to stay connected. This might look like scheduling regular date nights, morning coffee together, or even just laughing over a shared TV show. These small moments together can help you keep the closeness.
Try this: Pick one daily ritual that belongs to just the two of you. Maybe it’s always having breakfast together, taking an evening walk, or winding down with a cup of tea before heading to separate rooms. (Here’s eight more ways to add wind-down time to your routine — many are couple-friendly.)
3. Keep up physical affection
Sleeping separately doesn’t have to mean less touching. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, or even a simple back rub can reinforce intimacy and connection.
Try this: Make a habit of a goodnight kiss, a morning hug, or a few minutes of cuddling before parting ways at bedtime. Even small moments of physical closeness can keep your bond strong.
4. Don’t let separate beds lead to separate lives
Some people may find that separate sleeping can turn into separate routines, separate time together, and eventually, separate lives. So it can be important to keep an eye on how it’s affecting your relationship.
Try this: Set non-negotiable “us time” boundaries (try these tips). For example, “We always spend at least 30 minutes together before bed, even if we sleep separately.” That way, you’re prioritizing closeness and connection, not just sleep.
5. Be intentional about intimacy
When you’re not sharing a bed, physical intimacy may not happen as organically. It may take some effort, but that’s not a bad thing! Some couples actually find that separate sleeping makes intimacy feel more exciting and intentional. Here are seven types of physical intimacy you can explore in your relationship.
Try this: Schedule intimacy just like you would a date night. It doesn’t have to feel robotic, and it can still feel spontaneous. Think of it as creating space for deeper connection.
💙 Try The Five Love Languages meditation with Tamara Levitt to learn more about the many ways to explore intimacy and build closeness.
6. Try part-time bed-sharing
Who says you have to pick one way of sleeping? Many couples share a bed some nights and sleep separately on other nights when good sleep is a top priority.
Try this: Experiment with weekend bed-sharing, nap dates, or even “sleepovers” in each other’s rooms to keep the romance alive.
Couples who sleep apart grow apart FAQs
Does sleeping apart from your spouse cause relationship issues?
For many couples, sleeping separately actually improves their relationship because both partners are better rested, less irritable, and more present with each other during the day. The key factor isn’t the sleeping arrangement itself but how you maintain emotional and physical connection outside of bedtime.
If sleeping apart means you’re spending less time together, avoiding intimacy, or feeling emotionally distant in your relationship, then it could become a problem. But if you’re making an effort to connect in other ways like through conversation, affection, physical intimacy, or even shared hobbies and activities, separate sleep can be a healthy and practical choice rather than a source of relationship issues.
How do I know if sleeping apart is right for me?
If you or your partner are consistently struggling with sleep, you might want to consider sleeping apart. Your reasons can vary from snoring, having different schedules, or simply needing more space. The real question is does this decision support your relationship or strain it? If sleeping apart helps you feel more energized, and happier it’s probably a good choice for you.
But if it leaves one of you feeling rejected, lonely, or disconnected, starting talking! It’s important to chat openly about concerns and find ways to stay close. Trying a temporary trial period or a part-time arrangement—like sleeping apart during the week but together on weekends—can help you figure out if it’s a good fit.
What happens when couples stop sleeping together?
For some couples, sleeping separately isn’t a big deal. It’s just a logistical decision that helps them function better. For others, it can create emotional distance if they don’t make an effort to stay physically and emotionally connected in other ways.
If separate sleeping leads to fewer spontaneous moments of affection, intimacy, or conversation, it could start to feel like you’re just coexisting instead of truly connecting. The good news is that being intentional—whether it’s with cuddles before bed, regular date nights, or meaningful conversations—can keep your relationship strong, regardless of where you sleep.
Do couples who sleep apart stay together?
Many happy, long-term couples sleep separately and still maintain strong, loving relationships. The key isn’t whether you share a bed — it’s whether you’re prioritizing each other in other meaningful ways.
A well-rested, connected couple is far more likely to stay together than one that’s exhausted and resentful from years of poor sleep. If you both feel secure, happy, and close, then sleeping arrangements won’t define your relationship. Your effort, communication, and love for each other will.
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